


Better Place

by Lupo (LupoLight)



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Doa's in this one, Established Relationship, Gavin Reed Needs a Hug, Hurt Gavin Reed, M/M, Not Beta Read, Songfic, Suicide Attempt, seriously this is just sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 06:14:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23390101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LupoLight/pseuds/Lupo
Summary: Songfic based off of 'Better Place' by Citizen Soldier.Fair warning that this is just sad.----The world wasn't fair. He couldn't move past nine months without doing something. The world expected him to breathe and get on with life, but he just couldn't.
Relationships: Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed
Comments: 14
Kudos: 73





	Better Place

**Author's Note:**

> Is it a pattern to not beta any of my songfics? Probably. I know I have rarepair week to work on but this idea hit me like a freighter and then fucking parked on my corpse, so I wrote it out. Hopefully there's not too many errors, but if there is, don't be afraid to point them out!
> 
> Also I want to note, the smaller paragraphs are due to writing this on discord rather than docs like I usually do.

Nine months, four days, at 9:02 in the morning. A call that they shouldn't have answered. A ride spent laughing at the radio talk show as one of them tried to predict the story's ending, without relying on programming. Hand over hand, fingers twined together. A set of blue LEDs, spinning in sync, one on a temple and one imbedded in a ring.

Gavin Reed used to love the color blue. Navy blue looked damn good on him, blue was calming, and it was the color of the sky. As he stood along the building, red and blue flashing, blaring, he looked over himself. His ring was colorless, his white shirt simply damp from how long he stood here, and his jeans torn.  
  
There was a dull ringing in his ear, the only sound despite the chaos around him, people moving, lights flashing, people screaming, his own screaming- no he wasn't screaming. He couldn't. His throat was so sore and his face was so wet, and maybe he forgot why or maybe it never mattered. Maybe he wasn't there.

No, the sun wasn't hidden behind clouds. There wasn't a light breeze carrying the nauseating scent of metal all around him. Maybe he never left the car, maybe if he sat down there would be a hand on top of his, just holding him lightly. No- he looked up, seeing blaring lights burn against his face. There was no ambulance, there was no hearse. Why would there be- there was no body right. Right.

No of course there was a body. Someone was calling his name, the voice so familiar yet so foreign. Far away, no- no it was right there- he just had to turn his head-

"Detective Reed!" Gavin finally looked over, seeing brown eyes bore into his own grey. Relief and pain at seeing brown, soft and warm brown, not ice blue, not perfect crystals that sparkled in the right light or with the right smile. "Hey- Hey Gavin. Are you going to let an EMT look at you now?"

His eyebrows furrowed at that, because why did he need an EMT? In the back of his head, he acknowledged that he should be dead already, that he wasn't hurt because he _was_ dead. Some part of him died and the rest was just catching up now. That sounded accurate, and he swore he moved his mouth to tell Connor this, but nothing came out. So he wrapped a hand around his throat as if the words were trapped in his throat, faintly remembering someone else doing this. Someone with trained hands that squeezed just right to unravel him and make him forget.

Someone else's hand was on his now, pulling it away and again it took way too long to realize it was Connor, gently pulling away his own hand. It felt like he saw things, heard things, but something heavy and indescribable blocked them from being acknowledged. From being processed. Like everything had to jump the Grand Canyon for him to actually know what it was, and more things were falling than making that jump.

Like he himself had to make that jump, yet he was already falling wasn't he? Wasn't that the reason his heart was in his throat- wasn't that the reason he couldn't breathe anymore. " _Gavin!_ Lieutenant!" Panic- someone was panicking and didn't that mean he should be soothing them? He was pretty sure that was in the job description, yet again he couldn't make the words jump the gap.

Then a hand was slapping his back, hard, and it finally knocked the breathe into him. Like a fish, he thought, almost amused with the idea. He gasped for air and bent over. "Connor back up, give him some room. Gavin, kid, come on, come sit and let someone look over you." He was being moved- the hands too big, too clunky, _not right._ He struggled, and suddenly they were gone. There was a mumble- or maybe someone was just talking and he couldn't hear them anymore.

There was no graceful fall or harsh thunk to let Gavin know he was on the ground. There was just a slide, skin rubbing against the building where his shirt rode up, and he was on the ground. His knees against his chest, hands- his own- in his hair. That cursed metallic smell was everywhere, so deep in his nose, in his skin, til he was sure his blood was thirium too.

If it was, would he still be seeing blue? Would he still feel warmth around his finger, around his body, a solid chest to lean on instead of cool stone? "Gavin- breathe- come on kid breathe." He finally could recognize the voice as his lieutenant's- his friend's- but it wasn't that easy. He moved his lips to say that, to snap that, but all that left was a struggled and strained gasp. His throat felt so tight and he wanted someone, anyone, to just help him with it.

Seconds or minutes, hell hours maybe, passed before his knees were pressed to the ground and his chin was tilted up. Cold metal touched his chest, and a light was shined into his eyes, but he must not have done something he was supposed to because people were trying to move him. He didn't want to move- he didn't want to breathe. What was the point of it all when there wasn't a soft glow around his finger?

So he stayed where he was and no one else talked to him. Slowly the noise filtered back, and his body sagged. The noise, the lights, loud and surrounding. Overwhelming. Wasn't this a wasteful use of his resources. A familiar and foreign sentence, in it's own disuse as he was sure he was someone better. Because of him.

Getting up was a struggle, and in the back of his head he knew it always would be. That he was going to go down and he wouldn't get back up. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tonight. But right now he needed to get up, so he clawed against the sludge in his own veins and pulled himself off the ground.

He didn't know where he was heading but he let his feet carry him. Inside, past officers, past the talking and the bustle. He went into the main room and stopped. There was nothing. He wasn't there. He would never be there again. Gavin failed him- failed to protect him. Failed to keep him close enough. He understood Sixty's fear of failure now, because he felt the consequences so much. There wasn't even the very blue he hated, he hated with every atom in his body.

This time, he knew he was falling. The world was so dark and so cold and it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all and when he knees hit the wood he _screamed_. He screamed cause maybe if he was loud enough he'd come back to tell him to shut up. Come back to ease this fear in his chest. Come back just to see why- why Gavin was screaming like someone broke open every rib in his chest and ripped out every organ. Leaving a heart that shouldn't still be beating and an emptiness around it.

He screamed because this wasn't fair- and the world would never fucking be fair.

* * *

When Gavin woke back up, there was nothing. He felt everything and nothing, numbness settling so deep in every pore that it was almost like a blanket. His eyes blinked but he wasn't seeing. Not until a soft voice was beside him, and he could move his head to look over.

Brown eyes. Soft features. "Gavin? You with us?"

"No." He didn't know who us was, but ' _Gavin_ ' fucking died like the damned idiot he was. Except he hadn't and even without lifting his hand he could tell. Because his ring was there, a claim more permanent than love bites and more obvious than the branded ' _9_ ' on his hip. So he had to be Gavin, but fuck, he didn't want to be. "Who's us."

He only noticed now that there was oxygen being provided to him, the tube in his nose making it so much colder than he needed to be. "Hank and Jeffery just stepped out. You're in the hospital Gavin. You were shot. Do you remember?"

He did and he didn't. Not til prompted did he looked at his arm, and that could explain why it felt heavier than the rest of him. "I was grazed, not shot. Big difference." Nines was shot. Again. And again. And again. And aga-

"Gavin stop!" He hadn't realized he was gripping the bed, heart monitor spiking so strongly a nurse filtered into the room. Hushed words and he was being given something in his IV. He fell back into darkness and he could swore he heard an all too familiar ' _oh Gavin_ ' as he was falling again. Or maybe it was just a projection.

He awoke again and there was no one. Just a steady ' _beep beep beep_ ' and the sounds of bustling. So quiet, so cold, he was allowed to think. Process. Realize.

Nines was dead. Nines was dead, Gavin watched him die. Machine gunned to the point it broke through the bulletproof casing. Pierced both of his thirium pump regulators, and his head. So many through his head. Gavin held his body, shaking hands on a bloody face as the LED flicked. Beep. Red. Beep. Red. Beep. Red- _errrrr._

Gavin ripped off that damned monitor, causing the machine to go off as he curled up. His whole body shook and he gripped his hair, unable to breathe without sobbing. Nines was gone and he wasn't coming back. He wasn't coming back he was so gone and it hurt. His body suddenly lost the blanket of numbness and everything crashed in like a tidal wave long coming.

His was only faintly aware of the nurses when two large hands, on each shoulder, forced him back. Looking up, to glare and scream at the bastards that dared let him live, his words died on his tongue. Jeffery. Hank. Both of their eyes were so filled with concern and it hurt more. "He's- he's gone."

He wasn't sure which one of them spoke but one of them did, his eyes closing and- his face was wet again. Since when had that happened? Did it ever stop being wet? "We know. We know."

* * *

It took a month. No one gave him shit when he took a month to come back, and no one dared comment at the bags under his eyes. At the return of the hoodie and jacket combo that hid the way he lost weight. Coming back was near impossible, and he swallowed hard at the lump in his throat as he finally entered the bullpen. He knew he wouldn't see Nines here, sitting at his desk, because they had lived together for months. Lived together, went in together, left together.

It didn't stop the pain. Nothing did. He walked over to the break room, grabbing a cup of the coffee and then heading to his desk. Sitting down, his body felt both weightless and like the heaviest burden he ever had. He looked across from him, and there were no blue eyes looking back to him.

> _Are you gone? Is this real? Scared to think, scared to feel..._

He sipped the coffee, not even flinching at the burn. Because like hell that was the only pain he felt within the last month. "Hello Detective Reed. It's good to see you back." He looked up to Connor and winced- so familiar yet so different.

"Yeah- couldn't stay in the house any longer. Seems like Fowler almost missed me." Connor laughed at that, a shocked little laugh, but it was nothing like Nines'. Too different to comfort, too familiar to avoid hurting. He couldn't blame Connor for looking like him though.

> _Everything is numb inside. How could you leave me behind?!_

Gavin made it three days back at work before it was too much. Fowler said he understood, to take another week or two off, the world wouldn't crash and burn without him. And maybe it was supposed to be comforting, but Gavin's head hurt with the idea that it was permission. To find Nines, in any way possible.

He was a detective, so it wouldn't be hard for him to find Nines. Nines was somewhere, he couldn't just be _gone._ The first week was spent wandering, visiting every place they loved to go. The club from their first undercover. The park where they rescued Princess. Jericho, where Nines would talk with various members and help out with moving people.

Even when he came back to work, he didn't stop looking. Was it sane? Likely not- he knew, he knew he was somewhere Gavin couldn't follow. He ignored calls from Elijah, he ignored Tina's attempts to hang out, he pushed aside Connor's worried requests to just walk. Part of him know, knew this wasn't healthy, that he wouldn't find him. But to not try was betraying eight months he spent madly in love with the man.

To not try would mean the ring around his finger meant nothing in the end.

One month bled into two, and almost into three when he exercised every option. He solved his cases as if there was never a difference, wanting to be done with them to give him time to find him. But then he had to take time off, and he found himself at home. It was Saturday- Saturdays they normally went to the gym together. Nines would spar with other trainers, and Gavin would make sure he was in the best shape possible.

He had already searched the gym- every gym in Detroit. He sat in his living room and his fingers threaded into his hair. He couldn't find him. He couldn't save him. He had to say goodbye and he couldn't. He couldn't say goodbye, he couldn't accept this. Doa came up to him, mewling softly. He reached out, and paused, as he looked to the ring. It was still dark, like Nines' LED. The lump in his throat stayed lodged, and he couldn't take it.

He needed a drink. Getting up was hard, as the world spun, but he made his way to the kitchen. He hid the bottle he bought the week before, because Nines would have a right _fit_ if he saw Gavin was drinking vodka again. But Nines wasn't here. He couldn't bring him back. So he grabbed the bottle and the weight was heavy in his hands. He looked for anything else to have with it, and could only find a bottle of champagne.

He remembered getting this from Tina, along with another bottle that was gone that night. They were celebrating, as Gavin and Nines made it as 'official' as they could, right there in the bullpen. Nines slid the ring onto his hand, and made a promise.

_"I know I already stole your last name, but allow this to be a permanent promise. You are a married man, Gavin Reed. The law just doesn't know it yet."_

It was the cheesiest and funniest thing he ever heard, wrapping his arms around the other. Popping open the bottle, he could almost hear their laughter in the bubbles. It was in that memory that the bottle was completely gone.

> _Is it safer where you are? Are you free from all your scars? I hope you've left behind your pain- but I will never be the same!_

When Gavin opened the vodka, Doa hissed, her mewls turning into soft wailing. He knew she hated when he drank, but Gavin couldn't really care. Something in him was dying with each swallow tonight, and he just wanted to not feel anything.

> _Still I hope you find your peace, even though it's killing me._

"It's alright Doa, just let me stop feeling ok? I'll be fine in the morning, you know how it is." He started to chug, the hand with his dull ring around the bottle. Every movement up brought it into his view, and he could feel this time as he grimaced, his face twisting with tears.

> _It just hurts too much to live without your light._

The bottle wasn't fully gone when he could feel it on his skin again. Blue blood, caked, like glue that no one could see. Blue blood, red blood- they both felt the same until they cooled. Where one dried, flaky and crusted, the other stuck. Becoming this slightly sticky, invisible substance that laid on his skin like toxic lotion. He remembered it so clearly, over his stomach, over his lap.

Nines head in his hands. Begging him to wake up. Begging him not to go. The small smile, the ' _I wouldn't leave you my love_ '. He couldn't get the words out of his head, because he _did._ He left and Gavin couldn't go after him.

Could he?

> _Take me down, pull me deep into the water. Let me drown I beg you- bury me alive!_

He looked to Doa who noticed the sudden stillness as Gavin truly considered it. Markus, all those deviants, they were so certain there was an RA9 right. Did that mean there was also somewhere Nines could've went? Doa bumped her head against his knee, and Gavin choked out words to a song he couldn't help but think of.

"This world is just too cold to take, ever since you've gone away... Dear _god_ don't save me, let me slip away... Back to _him_ , to a better place..." He could. He didn't have to find him, he had to _follow_ him. He could do that, he could follow Nines anywhere and hey, so many people, human and android, had died right? So there had to be something to death- that even Nines followed it.

Gavin got up, and something in him begged him to sit back down. He clutched the bottle tighter and ignored it. Everything still hurt to the point it was maddening, and if the simplest option was to die, it wasn't the first time he would have tried it. Sure he always chickened out before, but now- there wasn't anything holding him back. There was nothing to lose and everything to gain. He moved to the bathroom, shutting the door on Doa.

Feeling bad as she wailed at this, Gavin took another drink, til the bottle was completely empty. He sat it on the sink, looking in the mirror at himself. First was his shirt. Toned muscle lost it's definition as Gavin's diet became non-existent. His shirt that stretched against his chest before now just hung, and he easily balled it up and tossed it. Along with his pants and boxers.

> _Every memory, haunting me- now you're gone I finally see. You could never be replaced! Took for granted every day._

The last thing to go was the ring. Taking it off finally brought out a broken sob, but he didn't want to see it's lifeless colors as he did this.

> _Wish that I could turn back time. Take these wrongs and make them right._

He sat it on the corner of the counter and gripped the sink before finally letting go. He just had to fill the tub and then sink- he would go under. Nothing big to it, he could do this. It wouldn't even hurt as much as Nines probably had, being shot apart like he did.

> _Now there's nothing left to say. Had my chance now it's too late._

He filled up the tub, getting out a bath bomb that Nines had gotten him. It was blue, of course it was, but he felt that would be for the best. He waited for a bit, and then got into the deep tub. It was meant for two people- an upgrade from a bonus they both got from the case they solved four months back. Easily he could fully submiss himself and the tub wouldn't even need to be full.

Dropping the ball in, the water turned a brilliant, bright shade of blue, all too much like his LED. Gavin smiled, and his mind was made up. "If there is another life, and you've found your paradise... Take me with you I can't do this on my own." He slipped into the tub, not catching the red light blinking on the sink. He remembered his phone was in his pocket, and laughed as he got the best idea. He commanded it to play a song, and it was muffled through the fabric of his sweatpants.

> _Take me down, pull me deep into the water. Let me drown I beg you- bury me alive! This world is just too cold to take- ever since you've gone away. Dear god don't save me... Let me slip away... Back to you- to a better place._

Eventually he turned off the water, and felt everything in him so heavy. His eyes closed and he listened to the song as he gripped the edge of the tub.

> _You slipped away, right through my hands. I'm left with this hell here- in my head. I'm drowning in your memory- but it is all that I have left._

He took a breath and forced himself under. For a while it was just silence, the music too muffled and faint, far away. Like the voices at the crime scene. There was just him and the silence, the deafening reality that this world was determined to take any happiness from him. He wanted to sob, as he realized this was really the only option to continue with, because the Gavin everyone knew had died the same day Nines did.

Their case was closed, and justice was served, so now he could be happy right? Didn't he deserve some small shred of happiness- after losing everything? He could feel how wet his face was, and if was crying, there would be no telling. Someone would find him, and it would be just another drunk that fell asleep in the tub.

He would pass without hurting anyone, and maybe that was for the best. As his breath finally gave, he couldn't help the though: he would see Nines again, and that was the most relieving thing he felt in months.

Just as he started to struggle against himself, locking his arms to force himself down, he felt vibrations in the water. Was it weird to think about the mess your cat was making as you were drowning?

The world started to fade from blue to black, and before he was fully gone, he saw a brilliant circle. Something so familiar that he smiled, even the red of it even calming, the last of his air leaving him as his lungs burned and screamed.

_"Gavin!"_

A voice he missed so dearly- maybe this was a better place.


End file.
